kick.start>my.rockandrollin*heart<3

new livejournal

 

pink_skies_x_

 

add me there. ive added most of the people that i want as friends on there, seeing as its friends only. thanks :-)

 

i might stay here for some entries, we'll see. i like my new one haha

i need to think of a new livejournal name.

why? because my brother might be getting aim, therefore he could see my profile, therefore read everything. and really, i dont want him to read stuff such as this. tiffy- i now see your point. haha

any suggestions?? what do u think of when you think of me??


:-P thanks.

me- "mike said tori's on the other line, so hes gotta go"
may-" arent you jewish?"
me- "what?!"
may- "or are you half jewish?"
me- "no.. im full jewish.."
may- *spazzes*
me- *totally confused*

that was the highlight of my day. hahahaha.

ok, read my past entry. its long and ventful. i like to hear ur points or whatever about it too... to know that everyones alive and.. realizes i still am.... haha.



<3

so having way too much free time is giving me way too much time to think. i dont like this. i have no life. i just watched jeopardy with my 94 year old great grandma. surprisingly i knew a few answers... however.. they were in the mall and movie categories.. typical. but anyways i knew others in other categories about countries and stuff. so yeah. that made me feel kind of cool for a moment. but then i realized it was a friday night and i was sitting on the couch watching jeopardy with someone half asleep.

one of the things that ive wanted so much for as long as i can remember is just to have a close relationship... someone care about me, to SHOW that they care about me, not just say so, because that doesnt do much. and i know i am capable of doing such for others. i just want to have that feeling.it just stumps me that i cant find it in return. and i had it. for 2 weeks. i would be thankful for it... but how it ended up doesnt make me quite so happy about it. im still a mess of confusion and hurt. whatever.. it wont go away any time soon. he could be reading this and thinking its completely ridiculous. but thats because he doesnt understand. you cant do that to a girl whos never had a relationship or anything like that before and expect her not to be hurt. right?

 

i know everyone tells me i think really less of myself too much, and i know i do. but i cant really help it. with all this free time and stupid stuff that goes on, i worry too much and i criticize myself. i need someone to make me feel good about myself... make me feel like at least its worth it to be alive at the moment. i feel like a w.a.s.t.e. of s.p.a.c.e.

ive had this feeling in the back of my head for a while. people are all cool and nice and happy to me at shows and stuff, and i love it. i feel sooo special and its neat. but once everyones gone its back to being pathetic. like nobody cares enough.

i need to get out. i need to go out with my friends and be worry free, let lose. are you thinking what im thinking of? maybe its time for me to take a risk for once.

 

i want to go back to being happy jumpy friendly charismatic jess. i do show that when im out. but im just feeling so low. all my summers end up this way.

nobody takes my away messages seriously. i always say call or leave me something nice. rarely does that ever happen. i could write something like bye forever and nobody would notice. haha

i need to have a pool party soon. mm. those were high points of my summer. they had something then that i dont have now though. but whatever, i will make my pool parties fun...

i really hate seeing my friends down so often. like ive said in the past, that kind of rubs off on me and i feel low on their account. i dont regret that because it shows how much i care about them kind of thing.. but i just hate seeing everyone so sad and low.. that should be my job. hahah. i want everyone to smile, that helps me smile.

im reading grendel now, its about a character from beowulf. here are exerpts that i like..

 

" Talking, talking, spinning a spell, pale skin of words that closes me in liek a coffin. Not in a language that anyone any longer understands. Rushing, degenerate mutter of noises I send out before me wherever I creep, like a dragon burning his way through vines and fog."

"I would scheme with or stalk my imaginary friends, projecting the self I meant to become into every dark corner of the cave and the woods above."

"My heart began to race. I seemed to see the whole universe, even the sun and sky, leaping forward, then skining away, decomposing."

"I understood that the world was nothing: a mechanical chaos of casual, brute enmity on which we stupidly impose our hopes and fears. I understood that, finally and absolutely, I alone exist. All the rest, I saw, is merely what pushes me, or what I push against, blindly -- as blindly as all that is not myself pushes back. I create the whole universe, blink by blink."

 

i dont know what i want for a lot of things anymore. i dont know what to do with myself.

today i was thinking about all the genuinely nice people ive talked to lately. every one of them deserves great things, and they give me hope that i will someday find my own genuinely nice person... *sigh*

im losing contact with people id rather not lose contact with. and the people im close to have been all having lives lately. some are keeping secrets i can feel it, its stumped my whole group of friends.. some are way close with their families unlike me.. some are partying a lot... some have been spending time with their other friends a lot. i think that in the fab five, im that middle member you read about in books about friend groups. the one that ties together the 2 groups of 2.. but also the one that plans everything, yet somehow gets left out, but knows shes left out for a reason usually because the other people that they hang out with dont get along with her... or she just cant stand them... therefore, i am left alone with my thoughts. lovely. did you notice how i became she? just wondering whos clueless and who isnt..

sorry i vented .. again. ive been writing in here so much lately, nobody reads it anymore, but at least it helps me a bit.

 

<3. love to those who care, those who smile, those who enjoy life, those who are thankful, those who are kind... hearts to you. you rock.

yeah. im in such a weird mood right now. i hate having all this free time to think. someone PLEASE keep me busy. gahhhh.

( so yeah, foreign people ROCK MY SOCKS! )

ok so now im completely confused. dont know really how things are going to end up, like usually you can predict this kind of thing but really its just weird. *sigh* at least i feel a bit better now? i know its so hard to work out and i understand that, but it shouldnt be this hard. whateverrr. i really just need to let go and stop thinking about it... stop feeling sorry for myself and doing absolutely nothing. i have so much to do and i keep putting it off. shit. im so irresponsible sometimes..

yeah i went to bed at likeee 1? i dont remember. but anyways i woke up at 6, forced myself to sleep till 8. ive had a sip of orange juice and like 10 golfish. i dont know whats wrong with me, why i cant sleep or eat. its good but its bad. dang.

im not looking forward to school. the people are so annoying there and stuck up. im sick of everyones bullshit and drama. and plus, this is my last year. the most sentimental one.. and im way emotional to top it off. yipes.. god. growing up is so scary.

i need a car.

uhhh.. what else... my grandparents and great grandmother are coming thursday. shit. and theyre staying till like monday-tuesday. im doomed. after like a day they get so annoying.. and this time i get to sleep on the couch or something.. or a room with no shades so ill end up waking up at dawn lol. akdjfakjakljdfajh. oh well.

 

erm. i guess ill be done for now. i hope i can go to the show tonight. but ahh i dont know yet. eeeep.

whatever.

i dont know what to say really. just that... i really hope something good comes along for me soon. i hate feeling this way. knowing this stuff. its really upsetting, but again, whatever. gotta deal. i know im better off this way. but having my feelings hurt like that is not cool.

so heres what im feeling right now:

angry. sad. lonely. hurt. embarrassed. exhausted. cranky. crappy. upset. "depressed".

BIG FUCKING WOOHOO.

god. im gonna stop. this sucks.

thanks aaaaaaaaaalottttt.

all my life, ive thought up of little scenes for movies or books or television shows where the girl is the main character, something always happens. not just that though. ive thought up lots of different scenes. things that would be perfect in a movie or something.. and all my life, ive somewhat... lived my life like i was a movie or a book or a tv show... me, the main character, the awkward kind of fat teenager who doesnt get guys attention, has close friends, but problems always erupt... who has bullies at school tease her... whos family is insane and she feels like shes the only one in the family that is the closest to thinking straight... encounters weird clumsy awkward moments...  says stupid things... etc.. and now im at a point in my life where its like a scene. you always read about how girls have guys that treat them wrong, yet theyre stuck. they still like the guy, theyre holding onto the good memories of him. thats me now. i cant give up the sweet memories. remember a while back i posted in here... that he was the perfect guy for me and all... well yeah, life isnt some flower patch at the moment... i want the guy back that dedicated a cute love song to me in front of a whole audience... who texted me to tell me he was thinking about me... the guy that called when he said he would... now ... things have changed. drinking alot... me finding out wayy too much at one time while hes under the influence.... him never calling because hes "not a phone guy"... introducing me as a friend... totally ignoring me at a show and then asking for a piece of gum.. then says bye as in "we'll talk online *5 hi-fives*" ......... yet somehow i still have god damned hope left in me to try and make this work... but i really dont think it can.. not with me knowing all of this stuff , not knowing if i can trust him... being dissapointed, alone, hurt, sad, confused... even jealous.. and most of all i feel scared and weak.

thanks to everyone thats talked to me, let me vent, etc in the past couple days. it really means a lot.

the movie must love dogs. boring. depressing. reminded me so much of whats going on... it made me so sad and thats really not what i needed. im going to end up old, alone, wrinkled, with lots of cats and.... cereal. something. i was so excited to find the guy i thought was great for me.. turns out he probably really isnt... and im scared. cuz the thought runs through my head... oh there wont be anyone else for a long time...

god damn it. im approaching my senior year, and my only ... involvement... with a guy was a 2 second peck of a kiss. im pathetic.           "you wont be so innocent soon, jess...."

i havent been able to sleep very well lately.

my sat scores supposedly will finally be available tomorrow.

i still havent scheduled my senior portrait.

im still on book 1 out of 4 things i need to read for summer reading.

i need to exercise.

i need to work on my articles.

i need to keep my friends close......

lucas called me yesterday from brazil. i didnt answer it at first cuz i was terrified. the number turned out as 012-3456. so i was like theres a killer outside my window, im going to die, ahh kind of thing, until he left a message the second time around and i picked up the phone screaming, hahaha. LUCAS OMYGOD!! man i love that guy. hes so quiet and sweet and adorable. that was the first time i heard his voice in a year. and i love wearing these sandals i got from old navy cuz theyre brazil rio. and he had sent me a rio postcard in the past. i miss himmmmm. and i was lucky to get an email from malte the other day too. hes in france now. lucky boy.

who wants to go to the spitalfield show tomorrow? i love them.

nobody reads this anymore. hah. this has become a venting journal. one side kind of thing. whateverrr.

my feelings havent been this hurt in a long time.

kudos to dating.

 

no wonder ive stayed away from it so long.

so its been a couple of days, and ive cooled off a bit. but ... i actually want to stay angry for a while longer, i have a right to be, and this problem needs to be solved. i dont know if i can take having my feelings hurt for much longer i dont know if i can take being treated this way much longer... unless we work it out and we can balance one another... but at the moment... my mind is saying it wont end up right... and my heart doesnt know what to do...

i love my friends, i really do. i love that youre all trying to help me out and stuff, and im sorry for not always listening because i guess im in denial about a few things.. but really, i have been considering and taking to heart everything everyone's said.. im starting to agree, but i cant give up yet, just .. be with me on this one..

not much else is going on except for me carying emotional baggage everywhere lately... haha. im in good spirits to everyone, ill be happy and weird like usual, but deep down im really hurting, and im just so confused..

oh yeah, and i really dont like knowing that the one of the only ways you tell me you care is when youre wasted.. and you still havent got a clue why i mad...

how will the story end...where does the time go... how will the story end...all we really wanna know... how will this life end...

anyways.. i think im gonna have a good quality friend hang out session tonight, and im really excited. i love just hanging out with my friends, not having to worry about anything, knowing these people are there for me... and we always have so much fun together anyway... <3

 

i really love mxpx, jason mraz, and the all american rejects. hehe. k bye.

i got a hair cut.

 

yep.

this is what i typed to zabrina just now..

comfort in words: so i dont know what to think, etc, dont know how to feel. nothing works anymore

yep.

ok , read the past 2 entries. thanks. bye.

umm. theres no use really getting into detail about warped anymore, cuz i feel bad when i talk about it, cuz people say theyre jealous... but ill just say i had fun with my megaloo. you saw the pics anyway, you can basically tell what happened through them.

 

yesterday was fun. went with jackie, kayla, and amanda to the icon to see believe in you, fillmore, rookie of the year and sleepaway. got kind of pissed off at stuff, but whatever...... i enjoyed being with girls that cheer me up and make me smile. the bands were amazing cept for the first band that played. when they said they had 2 songs left, i groaned and then the place went quiet.. that was kind of embarrassing haha. fillmores last show... that was kind of sad. :-( but they did really good, and i liked making fun of mike williams when he was playing with them, and watching everyone almost decapetate one another. haha. alex and chris, so sad. aww. so believe in you cheered me up, steve was like hovering his crotch on me the whole set though, so he could stare at zabs hahah. theyre amazing as always.. but im mad i have to wait till september to see them.. poo. so then... rookie played, they were good and we stayed up front for the first song but everyone had like no energy and we needed to sit down and i felt bad cuz when we moved there wsa this huge gap and the band noticed hahah. oops. so hung outside, saw beck, wow lol. umm... saw eric and his cigar lol just kind of chilled inthe parking lot till the end of their set.. then went for sleepaway. gosh i love them so much. but im pissed that they dont have a show here till october. honestly ill go nuts! gah. so just kind of hung around the place for a long time cuz kaylas mom got stuck in traffic or something.. saw like everyone haha said hi, lots of sweaty hugs, ew. but still good haha. i like how everyone makes me feel special there... but i realized they only make me feel special at shows... and then i go home feeling like shit.. but this time, i went home feeling like shit for a different reason...... i just dont know wht to do anymore. maybe ill update about it later, but the more i talk about it , the more upset i get..

alright, whatever.  picture time..

 

( adventure. )

i know i said i would have details from warped yesterday. but ive been so busy. tomorrow, ill post about warped and then whatever goes down today. :-)

for now, do this. i took from marina. hehe =P

1. i ______ jess
2. jess is ______.
3. if i was alone with jess, i would ______.
4. i think jess should ______.
5. jess needs ______.
6. i want to______ jess.
7. jess is like ______.
8. without jess, i would ______.
9. memories of jess are ______.
10. jess can be ______.
11. the best thing about jess is ______.
12. i am ______ with jess.
13. jess's best feature is ______.
14. if i was trapped in a room with jess i would ______.
15. when i first met jess i ______.
16. i always know jess will ______.
17. i wish jess would ______.
18. the funniest thing jess has ever said was ______.
19. in 5 years, i see jess ______.
20. one way jess could improve herself is ______.

TONIGHT

Rookie of the Year
Sleepaway
Believe in You
Fillmore
and more

doors 6, $8 bucks entry.

GO GO GO GO!


alright. will be late if i dont move. <333

amazing, amazing, amazing. warped tour 2006, ahh.

i will update with details tomorrow, but right now ill tempt you with photographs.

 

 

( im shooting for rolling stone )

thunderstorms expected all day and night tomorrow. YEAH WARPED TOUR!!

 

there goes my plan for a white tshirt. damn. i really dont want to get that wet. ahhhhhhhh, i am having so many damned complications with this concert! sheeeeesh!!

 

*pray for good luck for me tomorrow!* haha i could use it..

 

*sigh* like i told julie, if im that wet, fall out boy will have to group hug me till im dry.. *grins*

what a rush of emotions. i had such a good day, i made up with a friend, i spent good quality girl time with the coolest girls ever, and i was excited for some awesome interviews..

now i have to figure out warped tour all over again, and to top it off, the most important relationship ive had lately could crash any second.

 

god this sucks. i hate crying. i hate feeling this way. i hate not knowing what to do about situations, hate waiting for what the future will bring. and how my lifestyle limits me to things that could really matter....

 

it really makes you question a lot.

i was feeling pretty low until i read my email.

GOSH im excited for warped now!!

*gasp* i think im interviewing fall out boy!!!!! and maybe thrice! ahhhhh!!! im freaking out here. *spazzes*

ZABS YOU BETTER BE ABLE TO COME OR ILL CRY!!

oh, and believe in you is playing warped now! along with drawback and cute!! AHH!

what a weird mix of emotions, oh boy!!

 

 

( poems. )

2nd post, but .. maybe not really, cuz its 12:57 am. hahaha loophole!

so all day ive been keeping back the tears, ive been thinking a lot, questioning a lot, getting angry and frustrated, feeling bad about myself, worrying, scared, confused, annoyed, lonely, feeling like crap, exhausted, getting advice from people, but i dont know what i want to hear, so its kind of like part of me wont be satisfied with any of it anyway... i even cried to a kids tv show... but it was just so cute and perfect and i miss what i had, how did it change so quickly...

god this sucks. to have someone go away for the weekend while im not the happiest with them, and they probably arent too pleased with me either... great timing.. you know cuz im the one that thinks so much about something... this is like a fucking field day... and for someone to get upset with me for something that i think is kind of stupid, and is reacting oddly... yeah, adding to my field day...

i just love how in situations where its me and someone else and we're in a "fight" my feelings ALWAYS get overshadowed, and im always made out to look like the loser in the "fight" or shall we say... disagreement..? i never get any say, its just *bam* someones angry with me, and i have to deal with their problem. WHY THE FUCK do i have to do that?! you solve your own problem. and nobody ever notices that oh, maybe ive been mad for a while, and i keep my feelings bottled up just as much as you do....

hidden in plain view's songs have been helping me out lately, the lyrics really connect with what im feeling... i love blasting their cd in the car, and they are incredible performers. ive been trying to relive last night a lot today, cuz i loved the feeling i had when i was there..

cherrybing, i miss you oh too much. i want my cherrybing days back... when everything was new and fresh and exciting.. when i was so overcome by that band, their cd was the best thing ive heard... i was introduced to so much just by that one band, and they sure changed me. and it kind of sucks that the only one thats still super sweet to me is will... i love that dude, i miss him so much. and im glad that hes been able to find something that makes him happy again, but i know how much he misses cb... its gotta hurt even worse for him and that sucks.. im proud that i listened to them today, and i still think that that band was so amazing, and they really didnt realize how amazing they were until it was over...

i love how i can talk to people i havent known for all that long, and the people ive known longer, i cant really talk to as easily... *half sarcasm*. its expected though, because you know the people in the second group, you know how they will react to what you have to say, etc... with the first group, you have fresh advice and experiences to help you... and im really thankful to these people that ive talked to yesterday and today, im thankful and touched that youve wanted to help.

i just want to know you care... just reassure me....

i am really really excited for tuesday now , hopefully zabby babby can come!!! oh girl we could do some major damage with our freedom now... *wink* oh and thursday. FINALLY i get to see my lovers sleepaway and believe in you. oh how ive missed them so!! i will like... squeeze them all when i see them or something. yes.

im not sure if ive said everything ive wanted to say in this entry. oh, apparently, my new best friend is three years old. the cutest little boy ever...and my heart melted when he said "YOURE MY BESTEST FRIEND!" and then later "jessie, i love you!" *sigh* ill leave you with a picture of little vincent and his baby brother matthew... this is from a few months ago, but whatever, still cute.

 

goodnight ladies and germs.

so i was actually able to get to the icon last night, with an amazing stroke of luck. and that show blew me away. this day and age/ hidden in plain view are my heroes. what an amazing show. and i had so much fun with mike and teresa, theyre crazy hahah. i was happy for the whole show, but of course i had to go back to blah afterwards. what with all these relationship problems. i dont know what i want out of things, im not sure what to do with myself.. its driving me crazy how we both feel like shit, and we arent doing anything about it.. but i dont want to just let it go.. i dont want to spend all my time wondering what it would be like if i kept it... but i need hope and encouragement to get me through it, but im not getting any, and mine is quickly dwindling. but somehow, i find a way to keep myself going.. but my friends are dropping their encouragement, hes not showing any hope, etc. its just crazy.. but i hate feeling this way, like when he insults himself, hes insulting me... like im not enough to make him happy... *sigh* i wont go into any more detail... but now with other relationship problems, im sorry, but nobody really knows my side to it... i dont want to make anyone mad.. and im not going to explain it here either.. but whatever.. in time it will work itself out hopefully.. but i guess taking myself away from people for a while might work too, even though i HAVE been away from people usually. summer is not my best time of the year, something always goes wrong.. i always end up upset for the summer, andi  hate answering that question "how was your summer?" when you go back to school the fall. cuz i am always like oh, it was alright or i answer lke the robot im becoming saying that it was great or something.. but in reality ive spent a lot of my summer feeling sad and my self esteem always goes really low, etc... *sigh* i think im going to go back to writing poetry, help me express what im feeling better, let out some of the emotions ive been bottling up..

now for pictures from last night. *drools*

 

( lets show them how to live )